Welcome to the first post of MIA Continuity Guy, named in memoriam of True Blood’s latest and greatest sacrifice, their continuity guy.
I mean, it’s the only explanation, right? That he’s dead? Or missing? Or eaten? How else could so many plot holes develop in our beloved vampire universe? I sat down with a buddy a while back and, as a joke, starting naming any we could think of. At first, it was funny. After about twenty, it turned into a different kind of joke. Less of the ha-ha joke and more of the fuckin’ clown shoes joke. As in pathetic. As in, if a coupla fans can sit down with a glass of wine and belt out twenty without really trying, what chimp in a suit and rollerskates did they HIRE to do it? I already have a job, so why am I doing his?
I read on the official TB blog that some found this kind of criticism nit-picky. I disagree. As much as I joke, I’m not THAT much of an unstable fan. I love the show. I think it is (was?) wonderful. But I’m also discerning, which is why I’m watching HBO in the first place. If I wanted mindless drivel aimed towards the lower common denominator, I’d watch CBS. But HBO made Deadwood. They made The Wire. They made The Sopranos. They made The Newsroom. They and we hold them to a higher standard. So when I start seeing inconsistencies and outright contradictions in their narrative, I find it distracting. THEY wrote their rules. I’m allowed to throw a yellow card if they violate them.
But what do you think? Here are some of the examples my friend and I spotted, in no particular order.
1) Sarah Newlin was able to uninvite Jessica out of Jason’s home, even though she herself does not live there.
2) Eric drank Claudine to death and was walking in the daytime hours later. The camp vamps drank Bill/Warlow’s blood and were able to daywalk, until Sookie killed Warlow and that ability suddenly vanished. Why?
3) Nora insisted for half of the season that the only person who could kill Warlow was Lillith. Billith didn’t deliver the final blow to him. Jason did. Jay. Son. The town bicycle/special needs adult. I was as underwhelmed as low tide.
4) Eric needed fairy blood to daywalk and attack vamp camp. He drank Adilyn in order to breach Faery and drink Warlow. Why? Adilyn was probably MUCH more fairy, being at least half, than Warlow was. Why add that unnecessary step?
5) Bill saves all the camp vamps. The overhead door opens to him feeding all of them his sunscreen blood. WTF? He used a door to get in there in the first place, right? Could they NOT use it to exit the compound and avoid the sun entirely?
6) Bill is drained after the ordeal. Despite warm bleeding humans littering the compound, Vampire James decides to offer his blood to revive Bill. It works. Nowhere in TB lore was it ever suggested that vampires could nourish each other. Given the fact that there were oodles of bloody meals lying around, this is as baffling as it is unacceptable.
7) Eric once told Pam that Making a vampire, then leaving her was the equivalent of throwing a newborn in the gutter, implying that it simply wasn’t done. Once he made Willa, I’m not sure he even spoke to her ever again, and simply sent her back to her father as a starving, clueless baby vamp. He then left for Sweden, abandoning her to Pam, who in turn abandoned her to Tara. Epic. Fail.
8) Hep V killed Nora quickly and horribly. Those who drank the virus in vamp camp survived and became the Walking Undead.
9) It took Sam all of two days to get over Luna and shag someone new.
10) Ricki worred that she’d lose Alcide to his drunk power trip and did what she had to to ensure his favour. Then suddenly she’s drunker than him and tries to kill him when he shows a shred of mercy towards Sam’s new girlfriend (I refuse to learn her name) and her mom.
11) Alcide is shagging Sookie when Debbie is mouldering in a shallow grave somewhere in her yard. You KNOW he can smell it. And he’s okay with it? How disgusting is that?
12) Niall’s appearance this season made no sense at all. Rather, it didn’t enrich the plot in any way.
13) Warlow was waiting for Sookie for five thousand years, according to him. His reasons are never specified. When she asks him for a little time to get to know him before committing permanently to him (which would take, what? A month or two?), he’s suddenly out of patience and backhands her, proving he’s a bad guy all along in the not-so-big reveal.
14) The contract promising Sookie to Warlow specifies the “first fae-bearing female” in the Stackhouse line. It was never made clear why Sookie would need to “bear Fae”. Would they have been fertile? Did Warlow want her for children? And if that were the case, wouldn’t Hadley have been the first, since she bore Hunter?
15) Jason had Jessica’s blood, and she’d claimed him as hers in the past against other vampires like Steve Newlin. So why, in vamp camp, was Violet able to call dibs on him and just start drinking away? Wouldn’t she smell Jessica’s blood? Why didn’t Jessica bark at the whole room that “Jason is Mine!”? That’s what every vampire in the past did. Someone suggested that Violet was 800 years old and Jessica was no match for her, but again, that’s never mattered in the past. Sookie was Bill’s and all vamps, including Eric, respected it. Yes, I know they were trapped and starving and niceties were probably being ignored, but Jessica didn’t even TRY. Lame.
16) Jason allows Violet to claim him after telling Jessica and the whole world that he could never love a vampire and wanted nothing to do with them anymore.
17) Sookie allows Warlow to claim her after telling Bill and Eric that she was done with supernatural trouble and wanted nothing to do with them anymore.
18) Warlow is a zillion years old, yet no one talks about his age in the same hushed, terrified whispers like they did Russell. And in the end, it wasn’t particularly hard to kill him despite being almost invincible.
19) Warlow went ape shit in Hot Wings and killed all the fairies, presumably for their blood since he can’t control himself around Sookie and might drain her. And yet, when he attacked and subdued Niall in the hotel room, Niall the full fairy king, Warlow calmly sipped his blood, then spat it down the drain, and kept doing it until Niall was weak enough to be tossed into that interdimensional wherever. WTF? He loses his shit around Hot Wings and Sookie, but not Niall?
20) The entire side plot of Sookie’s parents. First, Sookie sees Warlow’s memory of that night on the bridge. He kills both parents, then dives in the backseat looking for Sookie’s blood and finds a Band Aid. Claudine then shows up and smites him to the interdimensional wherever. THEN we find out that Warlow was saving Sookie from being tossed into the river to drown that night by her parents. If Sookie watched Warlow’s memory, then how come that version doesn’t bear out? She wasn’t in the car in Warlow’s memory. But she WAS in the memory of Corbett, her dad. We’re lead to believe that Corbett and Warlow were telling the truth when they admit her parents were planning to murder her, so WTF was that flashback in last Season Five about? Fucking writers.
There. That’s twenty. And these were just contradictions, there were plenty of other annoyances that were just inconsistencies or poor storytelling. Please toss in any others you remember. Each one brings us closer to the truth about our poor MIA Continuity Guy and his no-doubt ugly fate he met behind the toolshed on the set. If our list gets long enough, perhaps we can petition HBO for an investigation into his disappearance. If they inform us he’s alive and accounted for, we can then petition HBO for him to meet an ugly death behind the toolshed. We can bury him next to Debbie. Clearly no one takes issue with corpses in their rose hedge on this show.