Once again, there’s no chapter post here, so if you want to turn away in disgust for me wasting your valuable time, I totes understand.
But I came across this youtube video and I felt compelled–in light of our man’s “big” reveal at the end of S6–to share this with you. Because like me, I’m sure you gorge on your fair share of non-TB cable fare. Hot, steamy, post-watershed dreck that, because of its high production costs and period costuming, you can convince yourself is classy watchin’.
That, and hardcore nudity, of course.
But the nudity is overwhelmingly of the T&A variety, with an emphasis on the T, and almost NO showing of the P. Now, the TB world lit the internet up when we all got a peek at the P of ASkars, but I have to say that personally, I was irritated.
First, Buckner had the balls to talk it up pre-airing, proud as punch that he was the one who shot Jr. ASkars’ Jr. On film. The fact that he mentioned it at all piqued my interest, because hey! This is HBO! If they feel the need to mention a particular nude scene in a show awash with naked people, then it must be something crazy! My knowledge of Anna Paquin is borderline gynaecological, so my shamefully-vague map of the hottest man on the planet was clearly about to spike! What would they be doing? What kind of amazing scene would they christen his P with? Something tasteful, no doubt. Like a dick fist fight. Instead, we were treated to ASkaars one and only scene in the finale (a crime nothing short of a 120-minute porno could forgive), and it’s a split-second weenie roast.
First of all, props to ASkars for letting it all hang out and making it clear that male nudity isn’t the big damn deal that tv execs whisper in curtained rooms it is. That somehow, the penis is more sacred, or more revealing, than a woman sporting all her junk. Given the stereotype about how men love talking about their cock and sexual exploits while women demurely angle the conversation towards romance, you’d think the male-heavy boardrooms wouldn’t bat a manly eyelash at dude nudes. Clearly, that is not the case. Dudes like THEIR nudes. Not other dudes. That’s obviously gay, even though there’s a camera, a tv screen, and about two thousand miles between the male audience and the male wee-wee in question.
But I’m getting distracted by something shiny (beefy). ASkars’ healthy indifference to his own nudity aside, Buckner insulted his entire fanbase by promising something extraordinary and levelling to their titty-littered playing field, and delivered a shitty lack of Eric, with a juvenile assumption that his one scene could be a quick (and not at ALL proportionate to the female nudity on the show) peepshow-come-snuff film of a naked guy getting burned to death.
Now, back in Season 2, we did get an occasional male frontal, during the whole maenad Bon-Temps-Is-Now-A-Giant-Smoosh-Room period. Full nudes of both genders were kinda essential. However, they once again shafted us by choosing the fattest, oldest, most unattractive male extras they could capture bumming for spare change on the Santa Monica freeway, stole their clothes, threw them on set, and screamed “Action!” Lillith and her nekkid apostles, mind you, weren’t the corpulent, pendulous type of female gods. Oh no. They’d come down from on high of Mount O-nymph-us, with their pert tummies, better than average boobs and strategic bush maintenance. Men got spank bank material. Women got the slightly uncomfortable feeling that they’d just walked in on their granddad in the shower.
Level playing field, my jean-clad, unsculpted ass.
Anywho, the great news is that I am not alone. Several women far more hilarious than me have decided to take their complaint to the internet streets of youtube. Watch the clip below. And join the fight! Sometimes, the mission isn’t what you choose to accept. Sometimes, the mission chooses YOU.