A View from the Cheap Seats is Shitty for Two Reasons

…..

The first reason is the most obvious one.  I can’t see anything.  And what I mean by that is, I didn’t watch the finale.

The second reason is, I am so FAR removed from this show that I used to love more than most of my earthly possessions, and I used to give EVERYTHING to be closer to it.  I used to stream it the moment it aired on the east coast, and would spend hours waiting for it to download on my shitty little computer, and when it only downloaded thirty seconds at a time, I would still watching those thirty seconds, then wait five minutes for the next thirty.  Sometimes it would take half a day to watch, but I did it.  Gladly.

I was that in love.  I saw every single detail, I was that close.

Now, from a seat so far away that I’m actually not even watching it anymore, I still managed to be disappointed by it.

Perhaps the metaphor isn’t working.

Let me be more frank.

I’ve read the reviews for the finale, “Thank You,” and I’m fucking disgusted.  I’m so pissed off that I am never going to watch that half of an ass at any point in my life.

Hopefully everyone is already in the know now, but in case you’re not and don’t want to be, fly away now.  I’m am about to spoiler the hell out of this.  Indeed, that’s a perfect word:  Spoiled.  This whole franchise is a spoiled as a three-week old banana.  Greasy.  Black.  Dead.

After seven long years, it apparently doesn’t matter who Sookie ends up with, despite that being the focal point of the entire fucking show.  Indeed, her happiness is all that’s needed for the universe to fall into harmony and host social gatherings that don’t end with at least two corpses.  The name, or even face, of the person who made her happy, however, is none of our fuckin’ business.  And why should it be?  Who the hell are we?  We’re just the audience.  Sookie doesn’t need to jog every suitor across our screen just so we can put our two cents in.  I guess.  Because even though that was the case with every other guy for the entirety of her twenties, and we were treated to every introduction, smile, cute misunderstanding and eventual pornographic crescendo, suddenly we don’t need to know.  Suddenly, after several boobs, vaginas and buckets of tears, the audience needs a little mystery.  This random dude who may or may not know Sookie’s heritage, mind-reading, family issues, attraction to vampires and ability to inadvertently get everyone around her killed, is not for us to scrutinize.

I imagine the writers thought they were being clever.  What they were was cheap.

They took a cheap fucking shot.  It’s a hack way to ham-fistedly end a now-hack show.  It’s just like any other dream sequence or coma patient or momentary death-brought back to life trick.  It robs the scene of any meaning.  In this case, literally.  This man has no meaning because he’s not even a person.  He’s the back of a head, and a whispered-into ear.  That’s it.  He might as well be name Sookie’s Happiness, because that’s ALL he’s supposed to represent.  Unlike Bill, Eric, Alcide, Sam, and even Warlow, he has no history, no opinions, no life outside of her (that we’re shown).  He’s perfect, custom-made for Sookie in every way, because we’ve been shown zero interaction.  No fights, no differing philosophies, so conflicting job schedules, nada.

Of course he’s better than Eric.  Of course he’s better than Bill and all the others.  How can they compete?  And how dare we question it, because we don’t know shit about their lives or how deliriously perfect they are together.  BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T SHOW US.

What they DID show us, however, was the only thing this guy really needed to bring to the table.  Viable sperm.

Yes, like Bill’s and the writers’ Victorian sensibilities, all Sookie really needed to be happy in life was babies.  Bill said this several times in the show when he was blubbering about all the things he couldn’t give her.  As a couple, they could never have children.  You know, something I found interesting all these seven years and ESPECIALLY now, is that Sookie never said one thing about wanting or not wanting kids.  Not once, as far as I can recall.  Can you?  I mean, with all the relationships she entered into, you’d think she’d mention it once.  But she didn’t.  She never, ever indicated that she couldn’t really end up with a vampire because it would thwart her womanly wish to pop out babies.  And now, after all that radio silence on the matter, we learn that she did indeed want some.  And she’s HAPPY, remember?  Because this human nobody was able to fill that order.

And that’s another thing.  The entire premise of this show stemmed from the fact that Sookie was drawn to vampires because she couldn’t hear them.  I mean, in season one the woman was PLAGUED by people’s thoughts, as she was during her rousing-yet-vague speeches to the town this season.  People’s thoughts drive her crazy.  They left her dateless and sexless her entire young life.  Touching men especially made her skin crawl.  She loved, more than anything, the peace of a vampire mind.

Fuck. My. Plothole.  Suddenly this is not even noteworthy.  Hell, it wasn’t even mentionable when Alcide was her bed buddy.  Sex with someone who’s thoughts amplify 1000% is totally fine now.  No prob, Bob.  I don’t care that he thinks I’m gross in the morning, or I come off as bossy, or that he thinks pictures of my family in the hallway look stupid, blah blah blah.  I can’t take him to task for any of this, because he THOUGHT it, he didn’t say it.  So it doesn’t count.  I’ll just let it slowly wear down my self-esteem until we don’t talk at all anymore.  Weeeeee!

My final point in this meandering rant are the people that got lost along the way.  I didn’t see the finale, so I can’t say for sure, but I’m going to make a list of people that just up and fucking disappeared, even though their introduction and involvement were pretty fuckin’ big deals that should have been addressed in some way.

Willa.  Niall.  Mab.  Hadley.  Hunter.  Barry.  The Authority (and the vacuum they left behind when all killed).  The other kings and queens of states who were never mentioned.

On the opposite spectrum, here is a list of people who got way too much fucking air time and contributed nothing to the core plot.

Lettie Mae.  Reverend Daniels.  Terry and his marine cronies. Lillith.  Vampire Tara. Adalyn.   The Yukuza. Violet.  Willa (yes, she was pointless, but they made her a big deal, then abandoned her).  Arlene’s kids. Holly’s kids. Jane Bodehouse. Ginger.  Nicole.  Keith and James (aka the PG-13 replacement vampires for Bill and Eric, who were just too much to handle for our vanilla Bon Temps crowd).  Bridgette.  Sookie’s dead parents who may or may not have been real in the first place.

I know I have more issues.  Hell, this rant could go on for days.  I’m just so angry and disappointed.  They had endless avenues they could have pursued, and the producers and writers chose the WORST possible ones.  It was clunky and pointless and even the actors themselves seem to check their watches during their scenes.

But hey, at least Eric and Pam still have each other, right?  And they’re (slightly) richer, which was their biggest problem the entire series: their glaring lack of wealth.  (I saw in a review that the guy would rather that the show had been about nothing but Pam and Eric running a video rental store in the 90s.  I totally agree.)

I’ll sign off, but I’d love to hear your thoughts in a thread.  Am I crazy?  Was ANYONE happy with this ending?

Love to you and flying daggers to this middle finger of a series finale,

Heather

 

 

 

 

 

Curtains, folks.

Once again, to my dearest buddies,

Well, this is it.  The final chapter of Pretty Kitty.  I still can’t believe it.  After so many years, I don’t even want to post this chapter.  I keep thinking, “No, I should hang onto it.  Polish it a little more.  Make sure it’s just right, because maybe I didn’t write it as well as I could have.  Or maybe it’s all wrong and I should just keep going!”  But no.  It’s time and I know it.  The story is exactly how I wanted it to end.  In fact, I wrote the outline for this chapter almost a year ago.  I’m just in shock that the day has finally arrived where I have to post it. 

Looking back, this was just supposed to be a one-shot after the end of season three had left me hungry.  I got 23 whole reviews for it.  So I wrote a little more.  And a little more.  Until nearly 4 years later and I can’t believe how many chapters.  Had I known it would turn into such a ridiculously complicated yarn, I would have given it a better name.  Oh well.  Pretty Kitty it’ll stay. 

To all of you, every last one, thank you from the tips of my toes.  You don’t understand how wonderful and important you made me feel.  When I was a foreigner in a new country with no job and nothing to do.  When I was doodling in a new fandom that I didn’t even think I’d make a dent in.  When I was pregnant, and kinda depressed, and feeling a little lonely, this story gave me purpose.

You’ve become my friends.  My partners in Eric-related crime.  And recently, my army.  (I’ll update you guys on that front very soon.)

I love you.  Holla back. 

Chapter 60

 

 

 

Wrap It Up, Ship It Out

Hi, everyone.

Okay, you’re all well acquainted with my drama, so we’re totally going to bypass it with some much happier news, which is I’ve finished up and posted Chapter 59 of Pretty Kitty.  Honestly, I’ve half-finished the next chapter and I do believe it will be the last.

If so, then I want to thank you all for the THREE AND A HALF YEARS that you’ve been on this ride with me.  I can’t believe it’s been so long.  But I won’t digress into some Sunrise, Sunset drivel.  I’ll just fork over the goods.

I wuv you.

Chapter 59

 

Heather